Loser Shaves is a modern office AU in which characters from Dragon Age Inquisition are employees at a printer ink company called the Ink-quisition. Calvin Trevelyan, star of the Ink-quisition, has his world shaken to its core after a merger with a branch of the Tevinter Ink-perium. Dorian Pavus, now a rising star at the company, rivals Calvin's excellent sales record as well as his legendary mustache. The feud between Calvin and Dorian can only be settled one way: through a series of increasingly contemptuous tennis matches at one of New Haven's luxurious country clubs. The universe's namesake is the proposed penalty for losing a tennis match: whoever loses must shave his mustache. Of course, getting lost in all the bluster, neither Calvin nor Dorian ever shave their mustaches, both allowing the tennis matches to devolve into shouting matches and never actually completing a game.
Loser Shaves loosely parodies the events of Inquisition.
Involved Characters[]
Many characters from the world of Thedas make an appearance in Loser Shaves, most notably the members of the Inquisition's inner circle. In addition, the universe prominently features a handful of OCs.
- Calvin Trevelyan - Calvin has been the leading salesman of the Ink-quisition for nearly two years: his Ink-quisitor of the Month winning streak is only one month away from hitting that milestone. Calvin is prideful and arrogant, but also insecure, as evidenced by his facial hair feud with Dorian.
- Dorian Pavus - Dorian, a carryover from the Ink-quisition's merger with the Ink-perium, is a new hotshot salesman who's threatening to take Calvin's place as the leader in sales.
- Julian Lavellan - Julian Lavellan is a graphic designer interning with the Ink-quisition at the behest of his keeper. He shredded his artistic integrity years ago and puts virtually no effort into his work. Lacking much confidence, he is a total doormat when it comes to professional affairs, but through his romantic relationship with Dorian becomes embroiled in many of his wacky, mustache feud adventures.
- Josephine Montilyet - Josephine is the Ink-quisition's head of PR and Calvin's girlfriend. An unwilling participant in Calvin and Dorian's tennis matches, she quickly refuses to take part in the feud. Nevertheless, she still ends up getting mixed into the feud's chaos, and develops an amicable friendship with Julian.
- Prison Thom - Thom Rainier is a former maximum security prisoner masquerading as a Grey Warden veteran. The Wardens, now acting as high level correctional officers in Thedas' prisons, assigned Gordon Blackwall to Thom's prison. During a riot at the prison, Blackwall took a shiv meant for Rainier, who bearing a great resemblance to the man, seized the opportunity to assume his identity and escape from prison, eventually finding work as the security officer of the Ink-quisition's office building. Rainier is plagued by the death of his young cellmate, Franklin, who was shivved too soon. He now selflessly vows to protect all members of the Ink-quisition even if it means sacrificing his own life.
- Manager Cullen - Cullen Rutherford is the former manager of the Ink-quisition's Kirkwall branch and current manager of the New Haven branch. He prefers not to speak of what happened at his former post and tries his hardest to mask his regrets by being the "cool boss."
- CEO Cassandra - As CEO of the Ink-quisition, Cassandra Pentaghast makes few appearances at the office, usually only turning up to complain about sales numbers being "bullshit" and order everyone around.
- HR Leliana - Leliana acts as the Ink-quisition's human resources representative and is heavily involved in corporate espionage.
- Rufus Hawke - Rufus is a slacker skating through life with as few responsibilities as possible. He is employed at a small photo developing store where Calvin goes to get his many self-portraits developed. A terrible employee, Rufus constantly upsets his boss by giving away his employee discount to customers and frequently showing up to work high. He also walks dogs for spending cash, and does a brief stint in jail after accompanying Calvin and Dorian to a rival business' headquarters in order to steal back important documents.
- Sera - Sera runs the Ink-quisition's mail room and often defaces her coworkers' correspondence with lewd illustrations.
- Solas the Supremacist - Solas is an enigmatic and preachy elf who comprises one half of the graphic design department along with Julian. Unlike his colleague, Solas refuses to compromise the artistic value of his work, meaning that despite producing qualitatively impressive art for the Ink-quisition, he very rarely gets anything done. Solas is an elf supremacist constantly pestering Julian with subtle jabs at the Dalish's incorrect assumptions about history. He is determined to bring back the legendary elven printing presses of old by whatever means necessary, even if it means destroying the modern ink industry from within.
- Iron Bull and the Charging Ports - Iron Bull leads the Ink-quisition's third party IT department. A loan from the foreign, Qunari-run office supply conglomerate, Kinkoslun, the Charging Ports are a lazy and ineffective group of IT guys who are involved in corporate espionage. Unlike Leliana, who works in the interests of the Ink-quisition, the Charging Ports relay all of their information back to Kinkoslun headquarters in Par Vollen. The Arishok was the former CEO of Kinkoslun until he got fired for roughing up a competitor in public. He frequently attended bad leadership seminars to cover for his lack of confidence.
- Client Scout Vivienne - Vivienne is a client scout who uses her connections to the upper class to source potential clients for the sales department. She is also happy to attend diplomatic functions on behalf of the Ink-quisition and pretends she is in charge of the marketing department despite being on equal footing with everyone there.
- Hobo Therapist Cole - Cole is a mysterious therapist on retainer with the company who works closely with the HR department. Unbeknownst to the other workers, Cole secretly lives in the supply closet. Occasionally, he'll eat leftover sandwiches.
- Documentary Varric - Varric Tethras is the lead writer and producer of a documentary about the printing industry. He shadows Cassandra and constantly annoys her by misquoting her and taking heavy artistic license with the events he witnesses at her side. Their relationship has another wrinkle in that Varric used to be a prolific fan fiction author whose biggest fan, as it turns out, was Cassandra herself. There is also a distinct possibility that he and Cassandra are former lovers--another source of annoyance for the CEO--but no one is quite sure whether this is true.
Universe Plot[]
Loser Shaves loosely parodies the events of Dragon Age Inquisition. In Loser Shaves, Hard in Haven is a popular buddy cop sitcom. Conversely, in Hard in Haven, Loser Shaves is a popular office comedy.
Here Lies the Secret Document[]
After spotting photos of an illegal transaction at Rufus Hawke's photo developing shop, Calvin hatches a plot to steal important documents of the Ink-quisition's back from one of its rivals. Josephine, Julian, Dorian, and Rufus all get roped into the affair, which results in a widespread panic as Rufus brushes a spider off of the document. The spider was carrying a clutch of its newly born young on its back, and upon being touched by Rufus the young spread all throughout the room. Calvin, Dorian, and Josephine were frightened of the spiders, which Rufus exacerbated by screaming in fear to mock them. Not caring about the spiders, he offered to stay back and claim the document while the others made their escape. Unfortunately, the commotion made them all forget they were meant to be sneaking, and Rufus' yells alerted the building's security. He alone took the fall for trespassing, a misdemeanor which landed him in jail for two weeks.
Recruiter Otranto Poaches Josephine[]
Adorno Ciel Otranto is a recruiter for an Antivan printer company who takes an interest in Josephine and attempts to recruit her for his company. Calvin, when he learns of this, is furious. The two men begin competing for Josephine's attention, which culminates in a drunken night at a pub that sees them playing an ill-advised game of darts to decide the victor. Just as Otranto is lining up a shot at Calvin's hand, which is hovering open-palmed in front of the dartboard, Josephine storms into the room angrily, after which Calvin belligerently yells that he loves her. His profession of love convinces Josephine to stay in New Haven. Meanwhile, Otranto is so drunk that he mistakes another woman in the bar for Josephine and takes her back to his hotel, telling her all about her job responsibilities back in Antiva. The woman, who thought she was getting a one night stand and not a business proposal, politely declines and leaves the hotel. Otranto never realizes that he was not speaking to Josephine and returns to Antiva two days later.
Secret Satinalia[]
The Ink-quisition celebrates Satinalia by means of an anonymous gifting event. Office workers draw a name from a hat and purchase a gift for whoever's name they draw. The company advises a spending limit of 20 Thedosian dollars. A few notable matches are as follows.
- Calvin and Dorian - By some miraculous twist of fate, the feuding salesmen match with one another. They each go far above the spending limit and purchase each other the same gift: an electric razor that retails for $160. Somehow, they also manage to get identical wrapping paper for the razors, leading to much confusion when Calvin attempts to give Dorian his own gift. Upon seeing that their gifts are the same, mustache related hilarity ensues.
- Julian and Cassandra - Terrified and intimidated, Julian has absolutely no idea what to give Cassandra for Secret Satinalia, and ends up purchasing a small keychain in the shape of a sword for her.
- Solas and Julian - Solas gives Julian a definitely self-published tome by mysterious author F. Harel entitled 101 Ways the Dalish Got it Wrong.
Links[]
Reddit links to written information about this universe:[]
Offsite links to information about this universe (AO3, Tumblr, DeviantArt):[]
Graphix Groux Finds Love - A short vignette featuring the moment Julian met Dorian
Oh the Indignity - Another vignette detailing an average day at the office for Calvin